Beyond Human

Artwork by Patrice Muricano

Artwork by Patrice Muricano

There is a sense of  longing,

Which envelopes me,

On a regular basis.

It’s more than just,

The longing,

To be accepted.

It runs,

So much,

Deeper,

Than that.

It is the longing to be understood.

To be so completely and utterly known,

By the mind of another,

That no word,

Should ever,

Again,

Be,

Required,

To,

Explain,

Who I am,

How I am,

Or,

What,

I,

Am,

Beyond,

Human.

Different on the Inside by Susan Golubock part 2

Artwork by Loui Jover

Artwork by Loui Jover

Remember those awkward,

Social moments,

As an adolescent,

Or pre-adolescent,

When you were trying,

To fit in,

But didn’t really know,

What was in?

Or what was expected?

So you stood there,

In conspicuous silence,

Rehearsing everything ,

You wanted to say,

Waiting for the chance,

To speak,

Then blurted out,

Some untimely statement.

Or more,

Than you really intended,

To say?

Not knowing when,

Or how to stop?

Imagine having those moments,

Occur,

Regularly,

With family,

Friends,

And strangers alike.

Your best defense,

Is to memorize small talk,

Or keep your mouth shut,

And let others talk,

About themselves.

Meanwhile you struggle,

To filter out,

The background noise,

They so easily,

Seem to ignore,

Processing about 50%,

Of what they say.

Then there’s the feeling of panic,

When the dreaded question appears,

Requiring you to suddenly shift,

From processing to productive,

Without the time you need,

To do it.

It makes you wonder,

When it’s so difficult,

Why,

So many people,

Consider socializing,

To be,

So much,

Fun.

Different on the Inside by Susan Golubock

Different on the Inside. By Susan Golubock

Artwork by Tran Nguyen

Artwork by Tran Nguyen

“To look at us,

You and I appear very much the same.

Yet I have learned that we experience life,

And therefore view our experiences,

Very differently.

I have learned that I just don’t think like you,

No matter how hard I try,

And believe me I have.

My nervous system seems to be,

Configured differently.

I’ve learned to do,

What you do,

At least the mechanics of it,

But I don’t understand,

Why you do it.

I’ve memorized the words you use,

And can repeat them fluently.

Figuring out what you mean,

And why you say them,

Is the hard part.

I process words literally,

Concretely,

And naively,

Which often leaves me baffled,

And confused.

I thought that by pretending,

To BE you,

I would someday,

Understand you.

But I don’t.

Any more than you understand me.

There are times when I join in,

With you,

And truly enjoy,

Interacting with you,

But I rarely feel that I belong.

I can focus on you,

Or I can focus on me,

But understanding the complexity,

Of relationships,

Is very much beyond me.

There are times when I can connect,

With my feelings or yours,

But never both,

At the same time.

And some emotions not at all.

There are times when,

I really think,

I understand you,

Then you change,

And I don’t.

And even though,

I have stopped,

Trying,

To BE like you,

I haven’t stopped,

Trying,

To understand you.

It would mean a lot to me,

If you would try,

Just for a little while,

To understand,

What it must be like,

To be ME.”

This is an abstract from the poem “Different on the Inside” by Susan Golubock.

“Never let them tell you that silence isn’t beautiful”

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“I read her eyes like paragraphs

And her tears like chapters,

For she didn’t have much to say,

With words,

But rather,

Silence.

And never let them tell you,

That silence,

Isn’t beautiful.

For silence is what happens,

When words fall asleep

And you must carry,

The belief,

That one day,

They will,

Wake up,

Inside of you.”

Words by Christopher Poindexter.

Artwork by Daniela Hallgren.

 

“My body is full of stars that never learned their names”.

Artwork by Carne Griffit

Artwork by Carne Griffit

“I am filled with things and I battle feelings,

I have never wanted to exist inside of me.

I lack too much confidence and I carry,

Too much sadness,

And my body is full of stars,

That never learned their names.

I wear my insecurities,

Like pockets,

And I fill them,

With my fears,

And my hands are growing tired,

From reaching down into them to hold,

The feeling of being afraid.

I am afraid.

Always,

Afraid.

Afraid like chimes,

When the wind lips,

Are sealed.

Afraid like your eyes,

When the stars,

Fall asleep in the black.

Afraid like dreams,

When they realize they are just dreams,

And that reality,

Is that one scar that will never,

Fade away.

I am,

Terrified.

Terrified that the things inside me,

Are the things that will keep me,

From ever finding a home,

Inside someone else.”

Words by Christopher Poindexter. Artwork by Carne Griffit.

Sensing the Invisible Tear

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Some people say that having Asperger’s Syndrome / High Functioning Autism,

Makes them feel as if they are looking at the world ,

From behind a wall of glass.

That they are within it,

Yet somehow  still apart,

That they can see the world,

But just  can’t bear to touch it.

Yet still they feel the world,

In ways. that other people,

Rarely seem  to do.

Much like  the way a blind person,

Who cannot see a tear,

Never the less senses,

The slowly sinking sadness,

Of that which is invisible,

To them,

And,

Yet  it is,

So near.

 

 

A Different Life – By Donna Woods

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Before you were born
 I imagined how it would be
 And what I'd say to you
 And what you would say to me
I pictured what we would do
 And I planned what life would hold
 But all of that had to change
 The day that I was told
A different life awaited us
 From the one that I had thought
 And a lesson in Autism
 Was going to be taught
Things would be difficult
 And times could be tough
 I would sometimes wonder
 Why my love is just not enough
But then I'd come to realise
 That the journey that we're on
 Is just a different route
 And it sometimes may feel long
I'd have to think of other ways
 To meet the dreams I'd planned
 Autism had placed me
 In a new and mysterious land
We could still have fun
 And we could still learn
 Even if some days
 I didn't know which way to turn
Although life was different
 I'd make sure it was complete
 I wouldn't give up on life
 And I wouldn't admit defeat
There would still be a world out there
 For us to seek and explore
 And for you I would do anything
 My special child who I adore
Before you were born
 I planned our life together
 And I'll be there to hold your hand
 Today, tomorrow and forever

© Donna Woods 2013

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